Yesterday was the climax of a growing awareness, and when I saw it, DAMN!
I had fallen back into an old habit of devaluing myself, and not just in one circumstance, but in several.
Many of us are conditioned from an early age to devalue ourselves, cliches such as “self praise stinks” were a constant mantra in my life growing up.
This insight that hit me yesterday was a combination of a number of events, firstly I saw two quotes on Facebook:
And these spoke to me with such truth that I actually became angry, initially angry at those who have used me as a convenience when it suits them, then discarding me when something or someone better comes along, but then something else happened. Saturday there was a misunderstanding about a planned function, and I got all dressed up for a change, it felt so good that I felt the need to commemorate this occasion with a “selfie”
And I decided that since I had not updated MY Facebook profile pic in over a year, to use this pic. Well there were so many comments from people used to seeing me in my usual uniform of faded, worn and stained work clothes that I actually became embarrassed at the compliments.
How ironical is that? I dressed up, felt good, wanted to share how good I looked for a change and then felt embarrassed because people were noticing? And then of course my brain started analyzing the patterns that have predominated my life…
Time and again I made a poor choice based on my lack of self worth, stayed with an unfaithful wife, not only that, but took her back, breaking the heart of a very special and beautiful Lady in the process. Stuck around in 3 relationships in which I was hidden away like a dirty secret. Bankrupted myself several times “helping” others. Denied myself the basic necessities of life so that the appointed recipient of my “help” would not have to, found myself begging for weeks for a friendship that had faded. Stuck around while “more important” people were around and then putting what I need to do aside just because that same person expressed a need for me again…
In the movies there is a name for a person who acts this way; a “chump”.
How would I have felt if I saw someone that I love being treated this way? I know from my experience that I would have become enraged, I would have climbed into that situation boots and all, fists flying! And that is when my anger turned from anger at those who treated me this way, to anger at myself, after all, if I loved myself so little that I allowed myself to be treated this way, I only have myself to blame!
To some I may be awful, to others, awesome! Those who consider me awful are kindly requested to exit my life immediately to save the indignity of being thrown out!
Those who consider me awesome are welcome to make themselves comfortable.
But it is those who string me along while sitting on the fence that need to take notice, Kim is done with being a doormat, if I’m good enough for you today, I’m good enough for you everyday. If I’m hidden away today, then spare yourself the embarrassment EVERY day! If you don’t think of me when things are going good, then don’t call me when things are going bad!
How can I possibly think of being an example to others if I don’t walk in truth myself?
How can I ask for the best when I settle for crumbs?
And I urge every single one of you to take a long hard look at yourselves and ask if your actions show a healthy love of yourself or not? If you saw someone treat your wife/husband/child/lover/friend the way you allow others to treat you, how would you react? Then readjust your actions and…
Go Forth and be Awesome!
All my Love