It was explained to me by a psychiatrist many years ago that Anger always has hurt as a root cause, and it is human nature to lash out in anger when one is hurt, think of it, even when you hit your thumbnail with a hammer, you don’t say “oh you silly boy, why did you do that”, invariably the reaction is a loud angry expletive, I know that I’ve got to the point where I swear at the wonderful Candy before I even start working on her to bypass the inevitable getting stuck with one inaccessible nut or bolt necessitating the tyre-kicking rage that usually solves the seized inaccessible nut scenario in the first place.
OK, so in my initial reaction of hurt, rage and confusion I said a lot of things from a place of jumping to conclusions.
“Catherine” started chatting with me online, and that was MY first mistake, most people take on an assumed personality online, so she was “Catherine, mother of two, divorced” and that is the person I believed her to be. She never expected to fall for someone, we became friends, and we “got to know” each other. Those details of her life that she didn’t wish for random strangers to know, she changed.
And then after 4 years of “knowing” each other, sharing details about our lives that we wouldn’t share with anyone close to us, we fell in love and she was afraid at that stage to tell me the truth for fear of losing me, and decided to weigh up her options, and the more we got involved in each other’s lives, the more she realized she needed to make choices and changes, and every time she “broke up with me” she MEANT that she “didn’t want to hurt me”, that “she wasn’t good for me”.
And neither of us could let it be. So we would find some justification as to why we would start up again, with new terms and conditions, and then that would grow out of control again and so forth and so forth…
Did she do the right thing? No-one, including her herself could say she did…
But I have given the impression that she “spread her legs” for anyone, which I now do not believe to be true, she got carried away with something she initially believed to be safe and harmless.
And yes, I did give her money, but I also INSISTED that she take it, and she DID volunteer to refund it, and in fact did so, more than she took! And in hindsight, the only way she could have avoided my insistence that she take it was to tell me the truth…
In other words, she is human, and she got caught in a horrible web of desire, love and deceit.
I on the other hand, when I found out acted in typical Kim fashion, angry, confused, and making all kinds of wild accusations!
Look, I promised from the beginning of this blog that I would be honest, I believe that as much can be learned from my failures as can be learned from my successes and this time I really did just react, I lashed out and I said things that were not actually established as fact!
No! This does not mean that I will once again become involved with her, no matter how much I may now understand WHY, the facts remain that she is a married woman, and I cannot come between that sacred bond. I am sure that she will be making the right choices from here on, and the mistakes she made do not make her a BAD person; in fact, I have to admit that she is actually a good person who made some bad choices. A lesson to all of us not to jump to judgement so quickly!
I could delete my previous posts, but that smacks of dishonesty, those who have read those posts have read them, there is no “unread” option, but there is the option of me unreservedly taking back what I have said based on wild assumptions.
As for the situation I find myself in right now, yes, I am not in a good place financially, yes I did spend far too much time during working hours talking to her, but admittedly I could have just said “NO”…
I guess, it all comes down to loving oneself first, I know that one of my faults is to put others far too far ahead of my own needs, I will give and give until I have nothing left and then I’ll beg, borrow and steal to be able to give some more. The sad truth is that this is not for any motive as noble as unselfish love, no, I have accepted that my motive has always been that I don’t believe deep down inside that KIM is enough, Kim must help prove his worth and sacrifice himself in order to be valuable to anyone else, and that is something I MUST work on!
I need to make special mention of two people in my coming to this place of humble honesty.
My friend Jenna who last night texted me and pointed out; “if you and I were not close friends I would have unsubscribed from it (this blog) for sure…delete the nasty blogs and apologise to the readers for going off a tab” and “it all went out to the Universe which was listening to your emotions…”
And I acknowledge the truth and the motive behind her words, and I duly do unreservedly apologise for my angry and ugly lashing out.
And of course I need to acknowledge that Catherine did take the time to explain, and admittedly not in an effort to make less of her faults, but to convince me that I am NOT the biggest fool that has ever walked the Earth, and as I said volunteered compensation in excess of her “debt”, “Catherine” if you ever read this, I now understand, I do forgive you, and I do thank you for the good times, the love and the good influence you did have on me, you found a man who was hiding away from the world behind a layer of fat, long hair, and broken teeth and gave him the inspiration to change, that was the good that came out of this, and I will make every effort to build on that further.
I have been able to speak with the friends and family to whom I have vented the past few days to make the record straight with them too.
Now it is a time of rebuilding, I have allowed my feelings to take complete control of me and to get completely out of control. I need to regain “the good feeling frequency” again, or all I will attract to myself is more people, circumstances and events that will make me feel bad.
I am sad, I do feel lonely, but it is up to me to elevate my mood, for too long I have allowed my joy to be at the mercy of others, THAT if nothing else, is what I should be taking out of this experience as a valuable lesson.
I do believe, for all kinds of reasons, that my focus for the foreseeable future should be FINANCIAL ABUNDANCE, and I will be talking about that for the next couple of posts
Go Forth, and be AWESOME
All My Love