Ramblings… Of the “Slightly” Insane 04 April 2015

There is so much I wish to talk about, but somehow it’s all fragmented, not able to fit into the framework of a heading, so instead I chose to just talk in general, a sort of “mind-dump”.
I have been thinking a lot about choices and consequences lately, that old game of “what if I could go back to THAT event and do things differently, the beginning of April sort of marks a one-year anniversary of a tumultuous period in my life, this time last year I found myself on an extended debt-repayment mission in nearby East London, “Catherine” had just moved to “Mussina”, and very little made sense at the time. That story was full of holes, but I was also trying SO hard to believe her, to figure it all out, hell, we were “engaged”… in hindsight what a sick joke!
But not to flog that deceased horse anymore, it also marked the time that someone special re-entered my life and I thank Wendy for all the support and kindness over the past year.
It also marks the turning point/end of a very good friendship with Lara, I am still at a loss about what actually happened there, I do apologise for the one incident that I can identify as a probable cause, but water under the bridge hey?
So it was a time of tremendous turmoil, of financial scarcity and difficult living conditions, but also the end of a debt owed, the beginning of a search for truth, the re-establishment of an old friendship, the end of a new friendship, see what I mean about turmoil?
Love is a word that is thrown around with such casualness by so many people, and so few of them have even the slightest idea of what love really is. My last entry was written about all the different forms of love as classified by their Greek labels, but I guess in this world with its predominant focus on sex and commercialism, we are bombarded through all the media with images of sexual love as “Love”, and while there is nothing wrong with sex, nothing love with romance, love is not this hyper-commercialised addiction that we are exposed to each and every day.
Talking of her with the multiple names, after the termination of communication, she started this relentless pity-party with two of my closest friends, this I guess was to be expected, the accompanying attempt at demolishing my character could also be understood, but the hurt she caused one of my friends had no basis of justification. L I apologise for what you were subjected to, and I thank you sincerely for your loyalty, I feel like our friendship has been wounded, and I go on record as saying that while there might have been a time last year when I played-down the closeness of our relationship to her, you are none of the things I was ascribed to have said about you. You are a beautiful, strong, loving, kind independent woman, and I have the worlds respect and admiration for you.
C… I fell in love with the figment of someone’s imagination; I take responsibility for my foolishness there. You deceived me and lied to me for an extended period of time, and your deceptions had consequences in my life way beyond just our relationship. Once I found out the truth and your real name, once social media opened a window into your life and your choices, I started to realise that you are not what I want. Not the motorbikes, not the uncontrollable, un-neutered dog, not the taste in décor, I tried to make it clear to you, I tried to explain, and I did emphatically state that while you are sharing a marital bed with your husband, you could expect neither fidelity nor physical intimacy from me…
But you chose to ignore what I had said, to try to force me to break my resolve, do you think that I wasn’t taking note? Spooling out the rope? And yet I gave you a chance, and all I had asked for was a little space, time and quiet to think, but I wasn’t entitled to that either. The previews (for that is all I read) of your messages claim (as little as a week ago) that you still love me, how does that work? Is bad-mouthing me to my friends an act of “Love”? Is hurting and already hurt lady an act of “Love”? I tried very hard not to be hurtful, and in the process I admit I must’ve given mixed signals, which is why I eventually decided to cut ALL communication (and with that I apologise to my one or two remaining readers for this “communication”), and let me tell you, your actions since have strengthened my resolve…
What if after deceiving me and moving to “give your husband a last chance” things had worked out between the two of you? What if I had stayed waiting for you? Would you have appreciated me harassing YOUR friends? Trying to destroy YOUR friendships? Time to grow up, as one of the victims of your campaign stated so eloquently “I have witnessed many break-up’s, have supported many broken hearts, but never once have I known someone to take NO responsibility whatsoever for the relationship not working”. Time to grow up and pull on those “big-girl panties” that were so often recommended to me. You CLAIM to have embarked on a self-improvement mission… stick with it!
OK that had to be put on public record, my apologies to I & L for the consequences you’ve had to bear, but you can also end it any time you like!
Enough Now!
I look at humankind and I am both fascinated and horrified, we act like a herd of sheep, directed by the mass-media and we freely give up our will and our freedom to fit in with this crazy-unsustainable life. We truly create our own hell, we sell ourselves daily into indentured servitude, sacrificing the best days of our lives to run as hard as we can on a giant treadmill! We flock to the big cities believing that that is where we need to be in order to make a “comfortable living” and then work so many hours that we never get to enjoy the “comfortable life”. We pay for the privilege of being allowed to work, and we buy into this because “that is the way it is” and we never even consider that it might be different. Look at it please for a minute from a different vantage point;
It is commonly accepted now that in order to be a person of worth, in order to have a “good job”, we must attend a University, and the cost of THAT education is unaffordable to any “normal” person anymore, so many people have no alternative but to indebt themselves with a student loan. So once qualifying, their young lives already start with a weight around their necks. So they need to find a job, after all, this is why they studied in the first place isn’t it? Right, now to have a job you need a car (with a few exceptions, in South Africa, public transport is either non-existent or highly unsafe), so a car needs to be purchased.
So now we work and a large slice of what we earn is taken to pay for the vehicle, fuel, student loan… oh yes, we also need a home, and food…
The Car is not a once-off purchase, there was a time when a car, if properly looked after, would last many-many years, but todays “wunderwagons” have a built-in redundancy, and understandably so, for the vehicle manufacturers also have to make a living. And then we buy a home, now this IS something that we should be able to pay off and be done with, but most use their home-loan as form of revolving credit, once enough is paid off, we can use the credit between what the house is worth and the outstanding balance to finance other things, and usually that includes the new vehicle every 5 or so years and then of course the children come along and they need to be educated…
The government and local authorities insist on their pound of flesh too, and rates and taxes get levied, the cycle only ends when we exit this human existence.
And the environment, this planet that sustains us cannot continue to sustain this way of life for much longer!
And the vast majority of us accept that this is the way it is, and never question anything!
But there is a wind of change blowing, and ironically it is one of the products of “progress” that is fuelling the change, the Internet is making people AWARE, and it is scaring the hell out of the powers that be, look on this blog and you will see the shield of the “Internet Defense League”, this is just one protestation against government censorship of the internet, but I drift off the point…
There is a growing awareness, the real issues are no longer so easily hid, the population is starting to sit up and take notice. Among the Facebook feeds I subscribe to much conversation is happening about Mr Vladimir Putin and talk of World War Three, and while the thought may be frightening, it is individuals like Mr Putin who are attempting to tear down the pillars that support this madness! Watch if you can the “Zeitgeist” movies, your eyes will truly be opened!
I will be signing off for now, but I will speak soon again, a 90 day challenge has begun 
Go Forth and be Awesome
All My Love
Kim

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